


merry christmas, darling

by MissRaichyl



Series: Love Story [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Breakup, F/M, Family, Heartache, Holidays, Love, Make Up, reconnecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:07:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3553781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissRaichyl/pseuds/MissRaichyl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Finn ends it during the holiday season, Rachel wallows and turns to an old friend for guidance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	merry christmas, darling

_Greeting cards have all been sent,_

_The Christmas rush is through._

_But I still have one wish to make-_

_A special one for you._

 

The hallway blurs and all I can see is his back moving further and further from me. The tears spill over and my breath hitches, grasping for what isn't there. "Finn—Finn! Please, stop walking aw-”

My voice was breaking now as tears came freely, running down my cheeks. “Finn, please for just momen—FINN!" I finally had to resort to yelling out to him and he pauses, stopping his big steps to allow me to catch up finally, in his race to get to practice. 

He turns slowly to look at me, eyes that were showing only disgust and hurt and it hurt me to look into them, so I chose to not look, instead I bow my head, eyes down-casted.

"What Rachel? What could you possibly have to say?" He asks me, his voice is full of anger, with a want for this exchange of words to be over. I can't look up, can't bear to see the eyes that had looked at me so lovingly this morning, now look at me so full of hate. I just hold my hand out with my fingers tight over the object I was giving back. He had to know, had to realize, what I was parting with because keeping it and seeing it night in and night out would utterly destroy me, like Melchior when he discovered Wendla was dead.

His eyes, for the first time since I admitted what I had done, held a different emotion- he looks shocked, but he still reaches out his hand.

As we stood there, me giving him back his present, I couldn’t stop the physical reaction. I wish I could so he didn’t see how much this was tearing me up inside. My hand flew to my mouth as I tried to bite back the sobs. _Why did I have to hurt but he could just stand there and take and take from me?_  

I couldn't stand it. I couldn’t just let him see me completely break down. Not again. I throw the stupid necklace at his feet and turn away, walking as quick as I can from his sight. I turn down a hallway and stop, leaning against the wall, my hand pounding on my chest trying to stop the crying.

My only wish in these stupid holiday times was that Finn was still mine.

 

_Merry Christmas darling_

_We're apart that's true_

_But I can dream and in my dreams_

_I'm Christmas-ing with you_

 

I put my hair brush back in its spot on my dresser as I get dressed for bed in night shorts and a matching tank top. My hair is in a messy bun and as I lay down, slipping under my fluffy covers and laying on my soft pillows, I stare at a picture on my nightstand, a picture of Finn and me at the park that he had taken with his phone. He smiled then, loved me then. _I should throw it out._

I fell the tears slip down my face and I turn from the photo, looking towards my closet, shutting my eyes tight.

I open my eyes and there is a box of ornaments and I was grabbing them, settling them in their place on the tree, trying to take my mind off of Finn. I didn’t want him in my thoughts- it just hurt too much. I kept hooking them on the branches. I was in my nightclothes and my hair was still up, my face was free of makeup. My dads’ are gone, I realize. I wonder where they are but the doorbell rings. I set the ornament down and rush over to the door and open it. Finn is standing on the other side and he walks in, even though I offered him no invite. I close the door and looked over at him. Everything is happening so fast, I can’t see it all. My mind can’t take all of it in, but Finn is here, he came here.

He opens his mouth and starts talking to me, apologizing, "I'm sorry, I know I could have handled this better and not by running from it but the truth is I miss you and life was funner with you, even though you can be a controlist."

My heart starts signing with happiness at his words even though some of them aren't even real.

I feel my mouth tilt up in a smile as he grabs for me, smiling so big and bright, it’s blinding. I can’t see anything but the light and I turn away, I had to.

My eyes open and I’m staring at the picture. It was just a delusion. I sigh and slam the photo frame down, to where no one can see it anymore. I begin preparing for the new day, the last day before break started and the last day I would be able to see Finn without excuse.

 

_Holidays are joyful_

_There's always something new_

_But every day's a holiday_

_When I'm near to you_

_The lights on my tree_

_I wish you could see_

_I wish it every day_

 

I sit in top row, away from everyone. By now they all know what has happened. No one looks at me or tries to talk to me, it’s basically like I have no friends.

Finn has the time of his life today, being a free man again, as I heard him put it in third period. I watch as he flirts with Santana and Brittany, as he sings with Quinn all smiles and laughter, avoiding me and spiting me. _Didn't he get that I was already hurting? Does he like twisting the knife in my heart? Was he always so vengeful?_

I sit with my head down and my hands twirling in my lap, being useless, no participating at all. I keep thinking about all the plans we made over break and how I wish we were going to do what we had planned. I get it, it was truly my fault that we weren’t going to do any of it. I did wrong and I had to pay the price.

Mr. Shue's voice cuts through my thoughts and my head snaps up, "Rachel, are you okay?" He stands in front of my chair, squatting down to be at eye level with me. It was then I realized I was crying silent tears.

I look around the room and it was empty, everyone had gone. I was alone.

I closed my eyes, removing the trace of the tears with the back of my hands. _God! Why was I crying so much over him, still?_ "Rachel? Are you-" I didn’t care to hear the last of it. I stand up and walk briskly from the room, away from Mr. Shue’s concerns and the suffocating atmosphere. Was the pain ever going to quit?

 

_Logs on the fire_

_Fill me with desire_

_To see you and to say that I wish you Merry Christmas_

_Happy New Year, too_

_I've just one wish_

_On this Christmas Eve_

_I wish I were with you_

 

Winter break had begun and I spent the first week holed up in my room as my fathers tried to coax me out to decorate the tree. They had bought one for decorating, as I liked to put gold stars on everything, especially when I was younger, as you can’t really decorate a menorah. It was at the end of the week that my phone had beeped with a message from an old friend, if you could call him that. He was reaching out to me, wanted to meet me and talk, as he felt terrible and the guilt was crushing him. I wasn’t a taken woman anymore, I could do what I please and so I agreed to meet him. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to see him.

I got up the next morning and got dressed, ready to head over to his place. The drive over was peaceful as Frank Sinatra sang through my vehicle. Akron was almost a thirty minute drive, sometimes an hour if the traffic was thick. His house was in a really nice neighborhood, full of rich and well-to-do families. I remember it from my visits in the past. We had mostly hung out at his place because my fathers always crept around. I even stayed the night once- though nothing indecent had happened. We fell asleep in the movie room watching Wizard of Oz. His dad was always in the study and every time I saw him, he had a glass with a dark, amber liquid in it while his mom was always in business attire with her blonde hair twisted up.

I pull up to the gate, reaching out and pressing the button to alert the house that there is someone waiting to be let in. His voice floats out of the sound box, “It's open, Berry." I smile to myself at the teasing lilt in his voice and drive up the paved path as soon as the gate opens up.

I see him as I get closer to the towering house. He waves and I see his usual clothing hasn’t changed. He wears a black t-shirt and black jeans, sans jacket even though it was freezing outside.

As I put my car in park, he opens the door and offers me his hand. I unbuckle the seat belt and go to place my hand in his when I pulled back and eye his hand suspiciously, "you don't have an egg in your other, do you?" I ask, keeping my body tucked inside my car. Jesse looks at me with a smile on his face as he laughs, shaking his head. Satisfied, I let my hand fall into his and he shuts my car door behind me.

As we walk, I notice that he keeps my hand in his, holding on tight, which both excites me and confuses me, as I thought he was just wanting to catch up with me. He opens the front door and as soon as it’s shut, he drops my hand. Maybe he was scared I'd run. I kick my shoes off and look at him, wondering where we would be hanging out today, “up in my room." He answers my silent question, “I’ll be up in a few, just let me get some drinks.”

I nod and watching him pass into the dining room, through a set of double doors, into the kitchen. _What exactly was I doing here? This was no way to win back Finn._ As I stand there, I realized that this was the first time I had thought about Finn all day and that excited me. When his name came up, I still felt the dull thud in my chest but it was nothing more. Were my feelings this flimsy that it didn’t take more than a few weeks to let him go? I shake my head to rid myself of these thoughts and took the stairs one at a time, feeling so familiar here.

There were pictures leading to the second story, many of them were of the siblings, Jesse and his older sister, who was six years older and a med student, and his older brother, who was eight years older and a law student. I knew that Jesse was the favorite because he was the baby and his mom adored him and wouldn’t let his dad ride him like he did his siblings which was why Jesse chose to pursue the arts instead of law or medicine. His family had wonderful taste in décor, is what I have always thought when seeing his house.

I get to the second floor and walk to the third door down, letting the door swing open. Jesse’s room was not like the rest of the house. He had one wall painted dark blue and the rest were covered in posters from rock bands to Broadway musicals. He had a state of the art stereo system and a flat screen, though I know it was barely ever used as he was out with his friends more than in with the family.

I stand in the door way, not really knowing where to sit. I could sit on the bed, but he might get the wrong idea- though I’m not quite sure which would be the right idea.

"Hi." I turn to face him and scream. He came out of nowhere and I scare so easily sometimes. I was so lost in thought and now I have ice tea poured down my shirt and skirt. His face looks like he wants to laugh and apologize profusely at the same time and I can’t decide between laughing or running and hiding. “Stay there, give me a second.” He says with a familiar smirk on his face as he passes me and sets down the cups of barely ice tea, going for his closet.

He comes back to me with a towel and a pair of sweats and a Rolling Stones t-shirt. “Go change, I’ll refill the cups.”  His smile is now tentative and I honestly don't think I have ever seen him like this, bashful almost. It wasn’t the first time I’ve worn his clothes but in this murky situation, I could understand how he is feeling. I go into the bathroom down the hall, across from his brother’s long-time vacant room and change. It’s strange how the moment I put on his clothes, I automatically relaxed. I felt like I should go in his room, lounge on his bed with my chemistry book in front of me, having him help me solve mole equations. I step out of the bathroom, putting my clothes in the closet hamper for the maid to do when she could. I turned, and find Jesse smiling at me. I nod, "hey."

He motions to the bedroom and I shrug, going in and sitting on the bed. It wasn’t my first time on it and when all the memories come to the forefront of my mind, I blush. He pulls his desk chair over, rather than climbing on with me. I note this with even more confusion than the hand holding but I do guess that joining me on the bed might insinuate some things. 

I look toward him and he starts straight in on his explanation about everything. He tells me the truth and lets me have it all, like that my birth mother, his old coach, had put him up to the scheme and he had taken it, knowing I was a talented singer and he really wanted to see what the big deal was and then he met me. It was the classic cliche, he said, the guy undercover falls for the girl he has to dupe. He didn't want to end it though and Shelby had to go to his dad to pull him out of McKinley and then they reasoned with him, especially his teammates who he had grown up with.

"They showed me pictures of you and Finn after I left. You guys were always standing close or he'd have his hand on your arm and I was angry. I was surprised by my own anger- why was I mad? I didn't think I would fall for you- that was the reason I did it." He runs his hand through his hair like he always did when he frustrated. "Love always makes a man crazy- especially when they don't realize that it's love."

I patted the spot beside me and scooted until I was lying against the wall with a pillow, sitting up straight. Jesse comes and sits beside me, leaving some distance between us. I felt like a little girl as my dad told me a bed time story, I thought to myself as he continued on, not looking at me but at the ceiling fan spinning round and round.

"I had never fallen for anyone in all my eighteen years and so Shelby came to me and I thought, cool, an acting exercise but you are incredible. You get me and match me, and you are powerful and smart, kind and beautiful- you were a nice, clean drink of water. Then, after I left to go back to Vocal Adrenaline, I saw the pictures of you and Finn. I was angry. I thought you loved me- you always said you did and I knew then that when I replied to you with the same words, I had always meant them. I loved you, Rachel Berry." He slumps down and shifts until he is laying out on the bed, and arm thrown up and covering his eyes. “I feel so cheesy and cliché, admitting it so cleanly, you know? I want to be all cool and suave and wow you.” and that was the last thing I ever expected to hear out of high and mighty St. James mouth. I guess that is why they call it growing up. 

That’s all that happened on that day. We laid in his bed and talked about everything, what went down with me and Finn, him and L.A., we didn’t stop talking until my dads called me home for dinner and he walked me out, saying that he would call again, and he did. The rest of those two weeks were spent with family and I got a gold star with my name on it and a new pink microphone. I had gone to visit my grandparents and was utterly spoiled by them. Two weeks of adoration was just what my ego needed.

Sure, I still felt the pain but it had dulled significantly and the crying was gone altogether.

When I came back from my grandparents, I asked Jesse for a favor. I asked him to go with me to my Aunt Rebecca’s holiday party and my dads were so happy to see him. He looks at me with delight at being welcomed back so earnestly and I laugh with him.

The family party was in full swing, drinks being passed back and forth, Dad even gave me a glass of wine and Jesse had a beer, though we couldn’t drive until the next morning, which was fine. Uncle Rex mussed up Jesse’s curls but he didn’t even get mad. I look over at him from across the room and he nods to the doorway, signaling me to follow. I make my polite excuses and follow him out onto the back deck, the New Year’s fireworks were going off in the distance and you could hear music coming from almost every house. Jesse doesn’t hesitate to throw his jacket over my shoulders, even though he is in a lousy t-shirt and some jeans. I pull it close and his scent hits me, like a book store and a coffee shop rolled into one.

I look at him, admiring him. He stands with his hands deep in his pockets, body coiled to conserve his own heat in this unforgiving winter. It makes me laugh. “What?” He asks, looking down at me.

“If you’re so cold, shouldn’t you wear your jacket?” I say, offering it back to him. He just waves me off, preferring to stand there freezing. I step closer to him, hoping to radiate some heat so he’s not a popsicle.

He looks away from the fireworks again to see me, suddenly closer, right by his side. “You’ll always stay there, right, Berry?” I look at him confused, “by my side?” I feel my lips tug upwards and I nod, inching closer to him. He places his arm around my shoulders. I feel his lips on the crown of my head and I close my eyes, memorizing the feel of his body against mine. I wish this moment would never end.

We hear a clicking noise and both of us startle, turning around to see Uncle Rex and my dad, Leroy, standing at the back door with a camera. They scatter and we head back inside, though I don’t give Jesse back his jacket.

 

_I've just one wish_

_On this Christmas Eve_

_I wish I were with you_

 

When I entered the school after break, nothing was new. Classes went on as they had in the past, the lockers still squeaked on their hinges, Coach Sylvester still grumbled when she passed one of us Glee members in the hall. What had changed was the picture in my locker, now to the one my dad had taken on New Year’s of me and Jesse, standing together under the fireworks and my attitude, I was no longer moping around like a lost, little duck. Glee Club happened like normal, Finn didn’t ignore me, but he made no move to approach me. Quinn and her followers were sitting back where they normally did, and I reclaimed my seat in the front row but part of me couldn’t wait to get out of there. Jesse had texted me earlier, telling me that he would pick me up.

As soon as the club meeting was over, I was out of my seat and at my locker, putting my books away and a box falls out. I squint at the tiny box covered in footballs, trying to recall it. _Oh, right. Finn’s present._ I pick it up and twirl it around in my hands, wondering what I should do with it when he walks right up to me with a smile painted on his face, “hey, Rach, I thought we could talk.”

“Sorry,” I smiled politely, though taken by surprise by his words, I hold out the box to him, “I got this for you before we broke up and I want you to have it.” He takes it and I nod, “Well, I’ll see you in Glee tomorrow.” I say as a goodbye and make my exit.

“Wait,” he shouts, stuffing the box in his bag. _What does he want?_ He stands in front of me, looking sheepish. “I really missed you, Rachel.” _Oh._ I take in breath- that was not what I was expecting.  His callused hands take mine and he tugs me toward him. “I thought, that maybe we could sit together at lunch tomorrow on the bleachers? Talk about things?”

I pull my hands free and adjust my bag on my shoulder, anything to keep them busy and out of his reach, a sure-fire way to put some space between us. “I don’t think that is such a great idea.” I mutter and now he looks confused. I was not expecting this at all.

“Why not?”

I shrug, “I don’t feel comfortable.” I admit. _Why was I telling him this? I didn’t owe him any explanations_.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” He looks positively shocked. “Who would date you?” Now, I am shocked and very offended.

“Pardon?” I ask between clamped teeth and he blanches and backtracks, muttering many things. I shift my bag again and turn away, “whatever, I have to go.” He catches my elbow, halting me again. “Finn!” I say, exasperated, throwing his hand off of me, “stop touching me!” He stares at me, in disbelief, searching for something to say but he turns to steel in front of me, his eyes become hurt and harsh.

“What is wrong with you?” we both hear behind me and sigh in comfort- he came for me. I feel an arm pull me back and then Jesse is in front of me. “Did he hurt you?” He asks, looking at me over his shoulder and I shake my head. I stare at Finn around Jesse. He’s looking at us as though we have just done a summoning spell in front of him and conjured up Satan himself.

Jesse grabs my hand and sends a warning glare to Finn and leads me out of the building.

 

_I wish I were with you_


End file.
